introduction
12.01 PM • Dear alam, how are you doing? hop...
chapter i
12.40 PM • Alam, ive come to realize that ive n...
chapter ii
01.23 PM • Di chapter ini mungkin aku mau ny...
chapter iii
09.48 PM • Ternyata setelah dipikir pikir lagi li...
closing
10.20 PM • Alam, after all of this, i really hope...
introduction
12.01 PM • Dear alam, how are you doing? hope things are going well for you yaa. Aku iseng bikin ini, maaf kalo belum bagus, hope you like it. Semoga apa yang aku bikin jadi sesuatu yang berkesan untuk kamu ya. Aku bikin ini dengan semua emosi yang aku rasain ke kamu, dari mulai seneng sampe sedih ada disini, semoga maksud yang lagi berusaha aku sampein ke kamu bisa sampe dan diterima dengan baik sama kamu.
First of all aku mau ngucapin selamat karena kamu sudah berhasil jadi sarjana ilmu komunikasi! Whatta great achievement tho. Congratulations on entering this new chapter of your life as a fresh graduate! Aku doain semoga kehidupan pasca kampus kamu lebih sukses dari masa kuliah kamu yaa.
Aku juga mau bilang ke kamu kalo aku bangga sama kamu. I'm so proud of you for not giving up no matter how many times you wanted to. I know surviving each day feels heavy sometimes. You've cried so much and worked so hard in order to get what you are right now. You've done your best to achieved this with all your hard work. Jangan lupa apresiasi diri sendiri yaa, you've come a long way, Alam. I'm proud of you and i hope you're too. Aku yakin ibu, ninin, dan kakek kamu pasti ikut bangga liat kamu up there. Jangan lupa ada Candle, Mpi, dan Ara (yang aku yakin andai mereka bisa ngomong) mereka juga bangga sama kamu!!!
Aku harap kedepannya kamu ga ngerasa kalo kamu itu "unlovable" and you don't deserve to be loved lagi yaa. You are loved by many, Alam. Kamu juga bukan mistake ataupun failure di kehidupan siapapun. Mungkin kamu gatau kalo selama ini ada orang yang semangat bangun pagi karena pas buka hp ada notif dari kamu, ada orang yang setiap hari semangat karena tau malemnya bakal ngobrol sama kamu, ada orang yang bersyukur banget kamu ada di kehidupannya, ada orang yang seneng banget karena kenal kamu, ada orang yang excited tiap mau ketemu kamu, ada orang yang tiap liat/denger sesuatu langsung inget kamu, ada orang yang doain kamu tiap sholat, ada orang yang sedih banget tiap kali gabisa ngobrol sama kamu juga. Itu bisa disebut cinta ga sih?
chapter i
12.40 PM • Alam, i've come to realize that i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. Sama kaya yang pernah kamu bilang, when you love someone, you start doing something crazy for them. I can't imagine myself doing something like this if it's not because i love you. Aku berangkat nyamperin kamu ke Bandung, sendirian. Bahkan aku nyiapin semuanya berbulan bulan sebelum kamu sidang. Aku tau kalo dadakan ga akan dapet izin, jadi aku izin ke orangtuaku jauh jauh hari walaupun waktu itu aku belum tau kapan kamu wisuda. Aku sadar, aku banyak absen di momen momen penting dalam hidup kamu sewaktu kita masih bareng, jadi buat yang kali ini aku gamau lewatin lagi.
Tapi, itu bukan hal paling gilanya. Kamu tau ngga ada hal yang lebih gila dari sekedar pergi ke bandung sendirian? I will let you go after this Alam. I let someone that i love the most (which is you) go for someone you love. Aku sampe harus meyakinkan diri aku berkali-kali sebelum ngomong gini bahwa aku bakal baik baik aja habis ini. Everything inside of me tells me to let go, yet my heart refuses. I'm learning to accept, but my heart won't let me. I wish acceptance had been easy so that i could have easily let you go. Letting you go was a chapter of my life that i really wanted to skip but lately i realized that if i keep holding you back, only one of us is happy, and that would be me. I didn't want that because i also wanted you to be happy, so i let you go. I know that you weren't happy anymore, so i didn't want to force you to act happy just to keep us.
Alam, aku selalu berharap bahwa tulisan tulisan yang aku tulis untuk kamu dan pertemuan pertemuan kita gaakan jadi yang terakhir kalinya. But, if this is going to be the last time we meet or the last letter i send to you, i wouldn't regret anything because i did something that i love for someone whom i love too. Please be happy alam, i will cherish every moment that we shared together. I think i'm gonna miss you forever. Alam, i hope you hear how i whisper your name in my prayers, word by word.
chapter ii
01.23 PM • Di chapter ini mungkin aku mau nyampein permintaan maaf aku. Aku minta maaf yaa kalo selama ini banyak perkataan dan perbuatan aku baik yang disengaja ataupun ga disengaja menyinggung dan menyakiti hati kamu. Semoga kamu mau berbesar hati memaafkan semua kebodohan yang aku perbuat. DemiAllah aku sama sekali gapernah punya niat untuk sengaja bikin kamu ngerasa demikian.
Alam, i'm sorry that i failed to be your safe place, couldn't be the person you could rely on, and didn't treat you well. I'm sorry i couldn't make you happy when you were about to cry, sorry for not always making sure you were alright, and for not consistently bringing happiness to your life. I'm sorry for failing to make you feel loved and for not providing the encouragement you needed.
Alam, if it were possible to take all the pain in your heart and put it in mine, i would. If i could take all the burdens off your shoulders and put them in mine, i would, and if i could take all the stressful thoughts that occupy your brain and put them in mine, i would. I would do anything just to make sure you're happy. I'm okay if you hate me because i know i was a shitty girlfriend that never treat you right. Sorry that i have caused you a lot of pain, Lam. If it eases your pain and helps you heal, you have every right to do so.
chapter iii
09.48 PM • Ternyata setelah dipikir pikir lagi, life wasn't so bad when i remembered that you're living in it. Thank you for giving me the best time i had being in a relationship even it's just a short period of time, Alam. Makasih yaa buat semuanya. aku tau aku gaakan bisa bales semua kebaikan kamu no matter how hard i tried. I hope Allah blesses you many times over for it. We may not end up anywhere close to the ending i prayed for, but still, thank you. Thank you for the moments, it's very markable in my entire life, Lam.
Aku sekalian mau ceritain salah satu momen paling berkesan selama kita bareng deh. Sebenernya, semua momen yang kita lewatin bareng sangat berkesan buat aku. Cuma ada satu yang aku inget banget dan aku rasa mungkin kamu gaakan inget yang ini. Jadi pernah suatu malem kita telponan kaya biasa terus kamu minta ditemenin ngerjain skripsi. Seperti kesepakatan kita, selama kamu ngerjain aku gaboleh berisik biar kamu fokus. Waktu itu kamu ngerjainnya sambil dengerin musik di laptop dan suaranya kedengeran sampe ke telpon itu. Yang aku inget, lagu-lagu yang kamu play malem itu lagu yang temanya jatuh cinta, terus, di tengah tengah kamu ngerjain, aku iseng request lagu dan kamu tiba-tiba langsung ngubah suasananya jadi kaya lagi dengerin radio gitu. Kamu jadi penyiarnya, dan aku pendengar yang request lagu. Aku lupa lagu pertama yang aku request apa, yang aku inget aku request dua lagu, "Wajahmu Mengalihkan Duniaku - Afgan" sama "Ku Buat Mau - CJR", disitu kamu juga nyetel beberapa lagu selang-seling sama requestan aku dan selama lagunya di play, kita sing along. Aku denger kamu ketawa lepas banget malem itu. Sebagai penyiar pura-pura disitu, kamu juga ngajak aku ngobrol layaknya penyiar radio pas ada pendengar yang request lagu, kamu nanya nama, sampe nanya aku mau titip salam buat siapa. Aku gainget kapan waktu pastinya kejadian itu berlangsung, tapi itu bener-bener membekas banget di ingatan aku sampe sekarang karena aku jarang banget denger kamu bisa ketawa selepas itu.
Kamu pernah notice gak, setiap kali kita ngobrol aku gapernah ngetik kata "bye" atau "goodbye"? Truthfully, i hate goodbyes because i fear being left behind. Saying goodbye is the HARDEST part because at the same time i don't know when we will say hi again. I never thought i will say goodbye to the person i love most and the one i adore so much. Tapi gimana lagi? hidup harus terus jalan kan?
My biggest regret is not saying "i love you" and "aku sayang kamu" often enough. If only you knew, i love you, in ways you've never been loved, for reasons you've never been told, for longer than you think you deserved and with more than you will ever know existed inside me. I love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you are yet to be.
So, even if i decide to give up after this, it was never because i never loved you or i started love you less. You know, sometimes, life doesn't grant us everything we desire.
closing
10.20 PM • Alam, after all of this, i really hope you meet someone great, a woman that matches your energy, who is just as kind as you, yang lebih dewasa, lebih sabar, yang ga banyak nuntut, yang lebih pengertian dan bisa menerima semua kekurangan maupun kelebihan kamu, yang sesuai dengan keinginan kamu. I hope she will support all of your dreams and goals in life, i hope she will patiently wait for your busy activities, i hope she will always be there when you needed someone, i hope she will give you the warmest hugs and the sweetest smile to brighten up your day, i hope she will remind you that you're doing good and you're enough because you are. I hope she will love you better than me. I hope you meet kinder people in life. People are so lucky to have you in their lives, Lam.
I wish you could meet me when i'm a better person, but i know that could also be unfair to you. i'm so sorry.
I wish you the happiest wherever you may be, with whoever you finally decide to be with. You are great and you'll be greater! I will always support you, as a friend, near or far, just know that. I'll be rooting for you in silence, somewhere.
I loved you so much thats why i let you go. I'm not leaving, Alam. I'm still here. I just taking few steps back to give you some space because i realize there is something more that makes you happy but doesn't mean i stop caring about you. Kedepannya jangan sungkan untuk reach out aku kalo kamu butuh temen ngobrol atau temen nonton film kaya biasa yaa, aku pasti gaakan nolak kok. I may not be talking to you, but if you would call or message me, i'm still here, you always know where to find me kan? I haven't moved on, i'm just letting you live your life. I hope we can be a good friend after this.
You're my easiest hello and my hardest goodbye. Cheers to the love that we once had and cheers to the love that we once shared!
Thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return, Alam. Thank you for all the memories i will cherish forever. Thank you for everything. My prayers are always with you. May Allah blessed you as he has blessed me. Until we meet again, Lam. Until then, be happy ya?
I have nothing but love for you. I hope you achieve the things you want, semoga kamu selalu sehat dan bahagia, semoga kamu selalu dikelilingi orang-orang baik yang sayang sama kamu, semoga kamu menemukan ketenangan dan kebahagiaan yang kamu cari selama ini. I hope you're always doing the things that makes you happy and your smile brighter because it looks good on you. I hope you're well and winning. I'll forever be cheering you from sidelines. May both of us find happiness. See u on better place of life, love. If God ever allows, I would like to meet you again someday somewhere.—your one and only neng
k.
